Are you struggling in your relationship?
Are you and your partner unsure of how to resolve problems?
It is normal for all couples to experience conflict. Conflict can arise from a variety of factors, such as transitions and stress, how people think, and what people do. For many couples, the impact of psychological concerns tend to increase the frequency and quantity of conflicts. Conflict management solutions include strategies that are focused on acceptance, mutual respect, and understanding. These solutions typically enhance intimacy and security and lead to healthier, long lasting partnerships. The way people communicate with each other while they work to resolve conflict has both advantages and disadvantages.
People can communicate with their partners in positive and understanding ways by being aware of their own beliefs, emotions, and fears and by being open and receptive to what the other may be thinking and feeling as well. This can result in increased closeness and can also lead to more meaningful conversations. People may feel comfortable and safe expressing their concerns and opinions and this also serves as a good opportunity to demonstrate and to model healthy conflict resolution to other members of the family, such as children.
When people communicate with their partners in disrespectful, unhelpful, or demeaning ways by focusing solely on their own beliefs, emotions, and fears and by minimizing or invalidating what the other may be thinking or feeling, this can result in poor resolutions to problems. Some negative outcomes to this style of conflict management include increased anger, stress, withdrawal, or violence. Individuals may no longer feel comfortable or safe expressing their concerns or opinions and may avoid these situations in the future, further exacerbating or intensifying future conflict.
Below are positive conflict management strategies to promote resolution:
- Don’t avoid talking. Have honest, open, and respectful conversations about stressful events or situations in life. This will allow you and your partner the opportunity to navigate these events or situations together and feel more supported by the other.
- Try to understand more than talk. Be open to sharing as well as hearing beliefs, emotions, and opinions and seek to understand rather than to defend or invalidate. This will work to build connections and strengthen the partnership.
- Remember you’re a team. Focus on the positive interactions in your relationship. When conflict arises, it is often easy to solely focus on issues. However, remembering the previously positive or successful times you worked together can aid you in the current conflict.
- Show appreciation and gratitude. This will work to ease the tension between you and your partner and allow for more constructive and positive conversations and interactions.
- Understand your limits. Engaging in heated debates over topics not only creates a sense of disrespect and lack of understanding, but it also leads to more conflict. Know when it is appropriate to take a break and return to the conversation later.
- Lower your stress as this could add strain to your relationship. This can be done by developing shared goals and improving the quality or quantity of the time spent together.
If you and your partner have tried these solutions and are still struggling to work out conflict, then psychotherapy could be appropriate. Research supports that a combination of building better connections and skills results in increasing relational satisfaction. At Restorative Psychological Services, we can offer additional insight and strategies to support you and your partner in understanding the underlying causes of your problems and can help you to build a more meaningful and fulfilling relationship.
For more information, please visit these resources:
Australian Psychological Society. (2023). Relationship problems. https://psychology.org.au/for-the-public/psychology-topics/relationship-problems
Aloia, L. S. & Solomon, D. H. (2014). Conflict intensity, family history, and physiological stress reactions to conflict within romantic relationships. Human Communication Research, 41, 367-389. https://doi.org/10.1111/hcre.12049
Gordon, A., M., & Chen, S. (2016). Do you get where I’m coming from? Perceived understanding buffers against the negative impact of conflict on relationship satisfaction. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 110, 239-260. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspi0000039
Gordon, C. L., Arnette, R. A., & Smith, R. E. (2011). Have you thanked your spouse today?: Felt and expressed gratitude among married couples. Personality and Individual Differences, 50(3), 339-343. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2010.10.012
Johnson, M. D., Cohan, C. L., Davila, J., Lawrence, E., Rogge, R. D., Karney, B. R., Sullivan, K. T., & Bradbury, T. N. (2005). Problem-Solving Skills and Affective Expressions as Predictors of Change in Marital Satisfaction. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 73(1), 15–27. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-006X.73.1.15
Neff, L. A., & Karney, B. R. (2009). Stress and reactivity to daily relationship experiences: How stress hinders adaptive processes in marriage. Journal of personality and social psychology, 97(3), 435. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0015663
Sreenivasan, S., & Weinberger, L. (2018). Conflict in relationships: Is it a good thing? It all depends. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-nourishment/201803/conflict-in-relationships